The most shameless exhibitionist since Barnum & Bailey

The movie starts off with the death of T.E.Lawrence from an accident in his motorcycle. A bust of Lawrence is placed in the crypt at St Paul's Cathedral. A lot of men, whose lives crossed paths with that of his speak about him. One man goes onto say "He was a poet, a scholar and a mighty warrior. He was also the most shameless exhibitionist since Barnum & Bailey". I find that striking. It seemed to remind me of someone. After thinking long and hard I realized who it was that it did remind me of. Me!!! I do not know about the first three, but I have always wanted to be all of them. The lives of warrior saints like Guru Tegbahaddur Singh and Guru Gobind Singh have always inspired me. I can envision myself in Haldhi Ghati seated on the horse Chetak and almost killing the traitor Man Singh with my spear. I can imagine myself killing Afzal Khan with tiger claws, or fighting with Udhaybhan Rathod. But yes, these are just dreams. They seem to remain within.

I am not sure about the scholar and the poet part. This is a candid post, and I neither want to be modest nor arrogant. But I am sure about the latter part of that description. If Lawrence was the most shameless exhibitionist since Barnum and Bailey, I have taken over from him. I am always on facebook, addicted to it. I do not know why? If a great psychologist of the west like Sigmund Freud cannot figure out why he was addicted to Cigars and ended up getting cancer because of that, it is indeed difficult for me to analyze my addiction.

But I gather, that I crave for company and attention. After coming to US, I seem to have become a one man army. It feels like I have come on a long journey, I still have a great distance to go, but being too tired, I have just dozed off and am yet to get up. Blow after blow in life is still not able to minimize the ego. It still craves for attention. It still feels like I should put everything I write in a blog onto facebook, comment on everyone's pictures, and if someone cares to reply to that, reply back to them . I am indeed very generous in writing on other's walls. A futile exercise really. But like all other addictions, it seems more fun than futile. I write all this, and yet it will not stop me from posting this on facebook.

Really I seem to have lost directions and seem to be wandering around in circles. Sometimes all this just vanishes, but those moments are brief. All this probably sounds insane, like the writing of a drunk, and it is. I am drunk, but I am still thirsty. It seems as though nothing can sate this thirst. I seem to be trapped in a cage. Is there any way out of this I wonder.

All I can do is continue struggling, and hope that god forgives me for my shortcomings and gives me the strength to overcome them.