The wine of your presence

Walking along the sea shore, I came across many a column

They looked breathtaking in the setting sun

I was seeking you of course

I had gone off course

The beautiful palace has now crumbled

These ruins to me a person reminded

None other than me was that person

I was like those ruins in the setting sun

The ruins were bereft of the beauty of the palace

I was bereft of the beauty of your presence

When I was roaming with thirst once

You made me drunk by the wine of your presence

Your remembrance makes me drunk

And yet I am thirsty and need more to drink

This thirst cannot be quenched

Until you can be reached

It is already night and ahead I cannot see

Until morning by the ruins I must lie

Somewhere I can see in the distance

Proof of your presence

For see the stars and the moon light

Pales in comparison to your presence bright

When I see you the ruins disappear

Only a beautiful palace does appear

At night

At night out comes the king of the jungle

With the cool night air and the stars to mingle

He smells prey and utters an earth shattering roar

Only to feel pain in the form of a spear

This was followed by another spear

Bloodied I ran for my life dear

I nursed my wounds near the river

Away from the owner of the cowardly spear

Hallaj met a similar fate on the pyre

Speaking truth has consequences dire

I seek you in the city with huge walls

I can see the light from the hills

The moat is full of crocodiles hungry

There is no way in and I am angry

Am I to find you only there?

Are you not to be found elsewhere?

I seek you in flowers different

I seek you in every element

All my hunters fled

the river washed my blood

Until the wounds disappear

I will not in the night appear

To hunt for you is but my life

Getting hurt is a part of that strife

I came as the cheetah,tiger and lion

To eat tasty venison

In your pursuit I walk on grass and thorn

It hurts only the heart and makes me forlorn

I can only keep the hope to meet

Then there will be only your presence so sweet

Just as a dervesh whirls

Just as a dervesh whirls

My mind about you thinks

Though we live so close by

To reach you there is no way

Just as a flower reminds me of the inner beauty

Your presence brings out peace and love in plenty

My mind is like a fly trapped in your spider web

Waters of love flow and ebb

I longingly want to visit of dimonds the beautiful city

I cannot find the way, what a pity

You remind me of my inner sanctity and beauty

By looking at the river I remembered the ocean mighty

The moment I forget the ocean

I search for the river again

The most shameless exhibitionist since Barnum & Bailey

The movie starts off with the death of T.E.Lawrence from an accident in his motorcycle. A bust of Lawrence is placed in the crypt at St Paul's Cathedral. A lot of men, whose lives crossed paths with that of his speak about him. One man goes onto say "He was a poet, a scholar and a mighty warrior. He was also the most shameless exhibitionist since Barnum & Bailey". I find that striking. It seemed to remind me of someone. After thinking long and hard I realized who it was that it did remind me of. Me!!! I do not know about the first three, but I have always wanted to be all of them. The lives of warrior saints like Guru Tegbahaddur Singh and Guru Gobind Singh have always inspired me. I can envision myself in Haldhi Ghati seated on the horse Chetak and almost killing the traitor Man Singh with my spear. I can imagine myself killing Afzal Khan with tiger claws, or fighting with Udhaybhan Rathod. But yes, these are just dreams. They seem to remain within.

I am not sure about the scholar and the poet part. This is a candid post, and I neither want to be modest nor arrogant. But I am sure about the latter part of that description. If Lawrence was the most shameless exhibitionist since Barnum and Bailey, I have taken over from him. I am always on facebook, addicted to it. I do not know why? If a great psychologist of the west like Sigmund Freud cannot figure out why he was addicted to Cigars and ended up getting cancer because of that, it is indeed difficult for me to analyze my addiction.

But I gather, that I crave for company and attention. After coming to US, I seem to have become a one man army. It feels like I have come on a long journey, I still have a great distance to go, but being too tired, I have just dozed off and am yet to get up. Blow after blow in life is still not able to minimize the ego. It still craves for attention. It still feels like I should put everything I write in a blog onto facebook, comment on everyone's pictures, and if someone cares to reply to that, reply back to them . I am indeed very generous in writing on other's walls. A futile exercise really. But like all other addictions, it seems more fun than futile. I write all this, and yet it will not stop me from posting this on facebook.

Really I seem to have lost directions and seem to be wandering around in circles. Sometimes all this just vanishes, but those moments are brief. All this probably sounds insane, like the writing of a drunk, and it is. I am drunk, but I am still thirsty. It seems as though nothing can sate this thirst. I seem to be trapped in a cage. Is there any way out of this I wonder.

All I can do is continue struggling, and hope that god forgives me for my shortcomings and gives me the strength to overcome them.

The Pain

Hallaj smiles when he is about to be lit

There exists only his beloved whom he met

At night, the walls crumble

In the dark rough path I stumble

Discordant noises are all around me

In midst of this you I try to see

For this ache the wine of your love is a balm

Which leaves me instantly peaceful and calm

A prisoner am I in a cage so small

I look at you longingly and call

When I see the little figure reclining

A genious facing misery called Wolfgang

Burnt out like a candle in the darkness

Was kept in a spot quickened because it was windless

The beautiful night sky seems hidden by clouds many

Is there any beauty left in the paths many?

Then in the darkness I stumble upon you

Full of light the darkness you slew

Then again the clouds seem to be everywhere

Again in the darkness I try to see went you where

The sought

At that moment Smitten was I

When I beheld you in my eye

The more for you I craved

Away from you I moved

Fear gripped me in your midst

Sadness gripped me when you left

Your glimpse is so rare a sight

But when I behold you my feet take flight

You go away after so brief a moment

Why did I run away I lament

The more I try to seek you

The more away from me going are you

I roam the earth and the sky

I look at everything beheld by my eye

I look in all that is visible

Then I search the realm of the invisible

I expand and find that I am everywhere

What I sought is not elsewhere

I finally find that you are within me

I need not worry, but I must just be

Anal-Haq (I am the Truth)

On a starry night in a trance

Hallaj declares Anal Haq (I am the Truth) and sticks to his stance

The Wali who sleeps in Ajmer weeps for him

So does Jelaluddin from the kingdom of Rum

So does Shams of Tabriz of Rumi within

Was the Abbasid Caliph possessed by the Jinn?

What he sought was unity with his beloved

Attained the same and was relieved

Died at the pyre on his face with a smile

Did not affect him of the ignorant the guile

Was he not there before he was born

Was he absent after he was torn

As he said Anal Haq ever present

Was heretic to the star and the crescent

Boundaries none he has in the Universe

To seek him look in direction reverse

Where is he and where am i?

I look for him with the inner eye

Only to find that I am he

Only to find that he is me

Where is the question of his being a martyr

He is every present before and after

Craving

The very urge to reach the destination makes me immovable

The very urge to express myself keeps me silent

The very urge to feed myself keeps me hungry

The very urge to sate myself keeps me thirsty

Why is it like this, I cannot understand

All the world around me seems to go Topsy-turvy

In this there is only one thing that is still

Immense treasure our coffers it can fill

I gaze at you with all this that I crave

Tenfold consolation and sympathy I receive

Wave upon wave of love in which I submerge

If only for a moment I seem to enlarge

In the sky, water and air am I

I am always under the gaze of your eye

Why do I crave for anything else

You are the source of everything else

Help me towards what I truly crave

Even though I may be a knave

Fill me with waters of love from everywhere

Let me seek nothing elsewhere

Into the labyrinth of Crete

Into the labyrinth through an entrance unique

Came I to find my way to the monster of Crete

To destroy him was my mission

With a sword was what was my decision

However confused i got about how to get him

Ignoring the labyrinth, I thought should kill him

I got lost in the labyrinth but did not care

He chased me and I ran from him like a hare

In trying to destroy the Minotaur

I was confronted by the cyclops and the centaur

I was hopelessly lost in the labyrinth

Starving and hapless to the Minotaur's mirth

Was I to be his next meal

My fears looked real

I prayed to Zeus to help me

Out of this ordeal out he should get me

Ignore not the labyrinth said he

Focus on where you are going he told me

I concentrated on the maze

No more was I in a daze

To my help came Ulysses

With him was Aeschylus

Got rid they did of the cyclops and the Centaur

I went out to get the Minotaur

I focused on my way

Figured out how to see the light of the day

From Hades realm I came back to earth

Now there seemed to be no more dearth

I reached the the Minotaur's realm

Used the sword of discrimination and stayed calm

He was stuck by the heavenly Thunderbolt

I ended up the victor of the fight

After that I emerged out of the Maze somewhere

Only to find that I was everywhere

I realized that ignoring the maze

Will only leave one in a daze

The source of your beauty

When I saw you I stood transfixed

The feelings withing me were mixed

I was feeling thrilled

At the same time I felt worried

By my good fortune it was

A few brief meetings came to pass

I kept contemplating all day on thee

Morning, noon and night you were before me

You had become my beloved

This was what in my mind I conceived

However, try as hard as i might

When I saw you, my eyes would be shut tight

To breathe would be an effort

You would be like an enemy outside my fort

Futile for this to continue it seemed

My desires all seemed to be doomed

What is it that I like in thee?

How did you do this to me?

What is it in you that I seek?

What is it that makes me weak?

This I searched all around me

What is it that is within thee

Only to find that what is within thee

Is also what is within me

Where are you, but inside me

Where am I, but inside you

The beauty is in everyone

The source of everything is only one

This source is my beloved truly

I have sought you in every life nearly

Within me is my beloved

Also within the planets and stars that revolved

I am everywhere and so are you

This is said always, but known by few

You are me

and I am thee

I see my beauty in you!

I keep waiting for the moment when we can meet

However when we do, feel like running away do my feet

I Shy away at that precious moment

When you leave, in sadness do I lament

Those short durations when you I see

Are so precious to me

Though only for a minute I see

For the rest of the day I contemplate on thee

Then I try to see what is it that I crave in you

What is it that brings out this strange feeling new

The beauty I crave for, I search everywhere

When I can see you in sight nowhere

I look for the creator of your beauty

I search for him in every county

Until I realize finally

I need not search actually

That the beauty in thee

Is actually the beauty in me

I see in you my beauty

I see in me your beauty

Thousand suns

When you enter, it is as though a thousands suns shine

So bright, In fear I hide this face of mine

You leave After a brief moment

There will be only darkness, and then I lament

You always come but to go away

I search for you in every way

I search for you here and there

I look for you everywhere

Heaven and Earth I searched for thee

Only to find you within me

My way is the only way!

My way is the only way

There is no other way

The jackal does not follow my way

Nor does the horse for he eats only hay

Are the rivers and oceans different

Even though they are of the same element

They flow and flow but in a different path

To them awaits a fate worse than death

Only do I deserve to enter heaven

Every one else follow the demon

Only I have the right to live

To only my kind, charity I must give

I must bring everyone on my road

Only then will they live in the right mode

Those travelling on a different road I despise

On the destination, only I have expertise

When I see people coming with me

I look at them full of glee

But those who another path choose

Should be bought on my path with a noose

Use money, use violence, use love

Make the eagle out of a dove

Finally when I reached the end of the road

Found I was in a despised road

Those who travelled on one road

Thinking it to be no different from any other road

Reached the destination in time

Crossed they all the seven clime

Those who thought my way is the only way

Ultimately blended into their despised way