Hopes and Dreams

Life gives me hopes and dreams that

rise higher than the highest waves in the sea

Only to come dashing down on the

Rocks and boulders of reality

Parched I move around in the desert of life

Time and again I see many an Oasis

Many a streams appear with crystal clear water

Only when I near them do they turn out to be mirages

I seek the beloved with unbounded love

With selfless and untiring efforts

Only to find the beloved in dreams and visions

But in reality always ever so distant

To expiate what sins am I burning thus

In a fire that never seems to die

Pains and tortures that wreck the body

And trouble the soul appear to be never ending

There is no balm to heal this pain

In this gamble there is never any gain

And yet I continue treading this path

Slowly wearing my body and soul

Life at crossroads!

Sometimes I am a very emotional person. And if something goes wrong and I end up being at a social gathering within an hour of that, I cannot help but show my anger/sadness/frustration etc. I just find it difficult to 'act' as though I am happy. And this has got me in trouble for all the wrong reasons.

A number of times (Quite recently), have I committed to going to some social gathering of some sort and ended up keeping quiet the whole time or getting angry at someone. This is probably more quite recently because of the extreme duress that I am going through. Well I know what most people would say! Everybody has problems! You must learn to cope up with yours. Go out there and make people smile. Be like the heroic person who suffers on the inside. Well all this sounds great, but I find that it is harder to implement as my problems mount. I have had a lot of ups and downs in the past one to two years. A lot of my priorities in life have changed and are still changing. Never in my life have I been in a similar situation. And that is why I find myself in an awkward position. Things have transpired in such a way, that I dread going out to meet people, save only those who know me well enough. And do such people exist in my vicinity? I doubt!

Ever met a person, whom you thought you knew, and then had a startling revelation that you do not know him/her at all. Well that's been happening to me so often recently. Either my friends or changing or may be it's me! Maybe I am changing. It's hard to say what is true.

We all came here with a lot of common goals. We all wanted to study hard and then find ourselves a perfect job. I think there was little variations to the long term goals on whether to settle here or go back to India. I too had my own dreams. But circumstances and situations in life, force us to sometimes think about what really is important in life. Maybe there was a time when you thought something was really important in life. But after sometime you are forced to think otherwise. I am going through such a phase right now. A lot of my priorities have changed. I do not crave for the things that I once craved for. Consequently, when I speak to some of my friends, I find that we all are seeking something different entirely. I honestly do not think that in life so far, I am an unsuccessful person or a failure. But I think most people fail to understand what is going on in my life. They think that "Ah! Here's someone who's still struggling to stand on his own two feet! Poor fellow". This seems to be evident in their every gesture. And it makes me sick when I see that! Sometimes I wish I could not read gestures so well. It makes me feel so bad and I cannot hide my emotions that easily either.

I am in such a phase of life, where I have done all there was that I could do to get something, and am now playing a waiting game. Now nothing is in my hands. To best describe it, I have travelled a road to a certain destination and have almost reached the gates. I am waiting for the gatekeeper to open the gates and let me in. If he does not do so, I plan to traverse another road. For in travelling this road, I have tread on such a thorny path barefoot that I feel I can take it no more. Or rather even if I can, it is not worth the pain. What I seek is peace of mind, not that which lies at the other end of the gate. My goal now is also restricted by time. If I can get to that destination now, it is worth it! If not, again doing the same thing here seems like a foolish task. It is like the Samurai who dreams on winning big battles for warlords, and sacrifices his family, friends and lot of things for that pursuit. And before he knows, his hair has become gray. I do not and cannot afford to be like that Samurai. I know what I am talking about is very vague, but I cannot say more on this topic. Only with time  can I reveal what I meant.

Now this is the problem. When I meet some inquisitive friends, who out of concern or not try to probe deeper into what is going on in my life. Even for a simple "How's it going?" or "How's life", I am forced to give a vague and evasive answer. That is why I dread talking to people nowadays, more so to well acquainted ones. I cannot tell them what is happening in my life, and it is so difficult always to make up things.

Waiting for something to happen is such a painful thing. I sometimes feel I am clinging onto a rope at the end of a cliff, waiting for someone to pull me up. I try to be patient, but more often than not, worry creeps in. To avoid this, I tried going to some social gatherings a couple of times. And this is always a bad experience. The first thing I get from everyone is "My god! You have lost so much weight! What happened to you!" . And when I try to tell them in a few brief words that I was not well , all I get is "Take care of your health man! It's very tough here in the US", as though that helps! I know it first hand! And I did not get health problems by any reckless living! The ones who advise me are the ones who have loads of healthy habits like "Smoking" and drinking. So usually, whenever I meet someone after a long time, their first words will be about my skinny appearence. This reminds me of all the pain and suffering that I went through when I was ill. And then I end up becoming quiet. And then almost everyone I have met these past few days has complained that I do not talk much! Well what do you expect. Initially I thought I was usually quiet when there was  a large crowd. But then, when I met a friend recently after a long time, and there were just the two of us, he asked me why I am so quiet? The surprising factor was I did not even realize that I was quiet until people pointed it out to me.

All I can say is, I am trying real hard to fight off my problems. I am in midst of a crisis and I want to take a major decision, which is not necessarily an easy one. During such circumstances I think it is natural for someone to be enveloped by thoughts about the problem in question and it is difficult to be "normal". However I feel it is just a short phase. I know that either way in a month or two it will all be over. I will leave this place for good and strangely I am looking forward to it. I know that a change of place can give me a chance to start life anew. And the fact that I know I will be leaving this place in a short while makes me very happy about it. I do not know why I am writing all this! But sometimes I feel it helps, to just tell someone what I am thinking. And since maybe, since I find it so difficult to talk about all this to anyone, save my parents, perhaps the best way to get it off my chest is to write it down. After a long introspection on this topic, I came to the conclusion that there is no point in pondering about my appearance or what I do when I meet people. Those who know me well enough, always have understood me! Those who don't cannot! It is as simple as that!

Memories!

Every place has a thousand stories to tell. Some have millions! If one just keeps an open mind and listens, he hears one and all. Most people are so absorbed in their little worlds that they fail to see the beauty all around them. Some times the stories are not like fairy tales. One does not hear the words "Happily ever after" at the end. But still there is some beauty inherent in them. They may or may not contain morals! One may or may not learn anything from them. And yet this is always in the eye of the beholder. From one's perspective each of us may learn a different thing from each of these stories.

Whenever I watched "My fair Lady", I always contemplated on the platonic relationship between Professor Higgins and Elijah. For those who have not seen the movie let me provide a brief description of what the movie is about. Basically this movie is based on a story by the Literary giant George Bernard Shaw called "Pygmalion". A 1938 motion picture adaptation of this story already had won an Academy Award including one for Bernard Shaw himself. But the most popular rendition was the Broadway musical "My fair lady" which was later made into a movie by the same name.

The story is about a flower girl Elijah. She speaks the typical cockney accent of English spoken by the lower order of the society in England. One rainy day, by chance she runs into Professor Higgins, an expert in Phonetics, who amazes one and all by making out which part and strata of society a person is from by merely listening to their pronunciation of the English language. Professor Higgins happens to meet Colonel Pickering another linguist and author of "Spoken Sanskrit". The two strike a friendly conversation and Professor Higgins claims that he could train the flower girl to speak like a lady and could pass her off as a Dutches at a ball. He claims she could employ herself at a stationers or get such a decent job that befits a lady. Elijah who dreams big, and wants a life of a lady takes Professor Higgin's words seriously and goes to him to get lessons to speak like a lady. Pickering challenges Higgins, if he could really live up to his words and convert Elijah into a lady. Higgins accepts. Elijah meets a young man, who is smitten by her beauty. In the meantime Professor Higgins succeeds in his task. But finally Elijah leaves him to go marry the young man. Professor Higgins asks her to stay with him, not as a wife or not to be romantically involved or anything. He just wants her presence, because he is so used to teaching her and being in her company. It is a sort of platonic attachment. It is not love. It is something above and beyond. Something that we call friendship? Probably! I do not know what to call it.

I have had similar experiences in my life. Some people have come into my life and become so close to me, I do not know how. They were there alongside me when I needed them the most. When I was ill, they were there to help me out. When I was depressed, they were there to cheer me up. Their presence made me forget all miseries in life. And as nothing good lasts forever, there are times in life when one is forced to part with such people. And the separation is painful indeed. One finds himself/herself attached to the other person, but in a platonic way. I stress on platonic because the persons I am talking about belong to the fair sex. One feels, oh why can't we be like the kids we were? Young and being friends, without responsibilities.But when I think about the wonderful times I shared with these people, they cheer me up. The memories are so precious. I do not like to live in the past..but remembering them when I am feeling down sure helps me pass through a rainy day.

Sometimes when I contemplate on this, it makes me realize how lonely one is in life. One comes alone and goes alone. We are like tourists traveling from one city to another. We stay at a hotel in each and every new city. We meet and get acquainted with fellow travelers in these hotels. Some of them become close friends. But after a point of time, we all travel to different destinations and we all part ways no matter what.

This is what makes life so beautiful. One can say, it is sad that we are so lonely. And yet, each of us, goes through a million things in life. Each is a story in itself. I think Bernard Shaw saw this common theme in life and wrote "Pygmalion". He being a celibate, would never think of love or romance, but thought of something beyond that! A platonic attachment which is so beautiful and pure. Many in fact, are said to have written to Bernard Shaw, asking him to change the story at the end. They wanted Elijah to stay with Professor Higgins. They wanted them to be romantically linked. But Bernard Shaw strongly disagreed. And thank god for that. He wrote about something much more beautiful and that was something that I realized only recently.


The reasons that brought some of my friends close to me are manifold. In some cases it was music. Certain times it was science. Some other times it was spirituality. Sometimes it was common interests. Sometimes it was common friends. Sometimes I think these reasons are just a tip of the iceberg. One never knows how in this journey, only some people befriend some select group of other people.

Some day, I would probably record these beautiful memories that are there in my mind. They bring so much joy. Whenever life looks like it is full of darkness and despair, they give me hope.

I therefore wish to thank all my friends who gave me such great memories and some of whom are continuing to do so and will give me many more in the future. But as we grow older, the rift between us gets bigger, as we become involved in our own family responsibilities and lives. But I know that as I continue to travel to other destinations, I will meet other travelers. Some who turn out to be friends and some who turn out to be bitter enemies. But both give rise to memories each of which is a story in itself.

Dance without abandon

Dance without abandon thinking of the beloved
Sing as loudly as you can the beloved's glories

Eat nothing but the fruits of the beloved's garden
And drink nothing but the nectar of the beloved's stream

Remove all barriers of love between you and the beloved
Leave aside the expensive robes that hide your true self

The world laughs at these  actions of an intoxicated one
Who but the beloved knows what goes through the lover

As you remove the barriers expiate the self
By filling yourself with only the thoughts of the beloved!

An eternal mystery

An eternal mystery is my love for you
It defies all logic and prudence

Deeper than the depths of the Abyss
More expansive than the sky above

People ask me how I get drunk without wine
They understand not how intoxicating your beauty is

Memories of you are like a priceless treasure trove
Chained am I to your thoughts unable to move


The few times that I was fortunate to see you
I remember them everyday anew

And yet whenever I seek you I see
That you seem to be unattainable to me

As I grope around in the darkness thus
Like Rumi searched for Shams of Tabrez

As Rumi realized when he reached Damascus
My love reached the Damascus of your thoughts

And like the Mevlana I realized therein
That you are in my heart within