A number of times (Quite recently), have I committed to going to some social gathering of some sort and ended up keeping quiet the whole time or getting angry at someone. This is probably more quite recently because of the extreme duress that I am going through. Well I know what most people would say! Everybody has problems! You must learn to cope up with yours. Go out there and make people smile. Be like the heroic person who suffers on the inside. Well all this sounds great, but I find that it is harder to implement as my problems mount. I have had a lot of ups and downs in the past one to two years. A lot of my priorities in life have changed and are still changing. Never in my life have I been in a similar situation. And that is why I find myself in an awkward position. Things have transpired in such a way, that I dread going out to meet people, save only those who know me well enough. And do such people exist in my vicinity? I doubt!
Ever met a person, whom you thought you knew, and then had a startling revelation that you do not know him/her at all. Well that's been happening to me so often recently. Either my friends or changing or may be it's me! Maybe I am changing. It's hard to say what is true.
We all came here with a lot of common goals. We all wanted to study hard and then find ourselves a perfect job. I think there was little variations to the long term goals on whether to settle here or go back to India. I too had my own dreams. But circumstances and situations in life, force us to sometimes think about what really is important in life. Maybe there was a time when you thought something was really important in life. But after sometime you are forced to think otherwise. I am going through such a phase right now. A lot of my priorities have changed. I do not crave for the things that I once craved for. Consequently, when I speak to some of my friends, I find that we all are seeking something different entirely. I honestly do not think that in life so far, I am an unsuccessful person or a failure. But I think most people fail to understand what is going on in my life. They think that "Ah! Here's someone who's still struggling to stand on his own two feet! Poor fellow". This seems to be evident in their every gesture. And it makes me sick when I see that! Sometimes I wish I could not read gestures so well. It makes me feel so bad and I cannot hide my emotions that easily either.
I am in such a phase of life, where I have done all there was that I could do to get something, and am now playing a waiting game. Now nothing is in my hands. To best describe it, I have travelled a road to a certain destination and have almost reached the gates. I am waiting for the gatekeeper to open the gates and let me in. If he does not do so, I plan to traverse another road. For in travelling this road, I have tread on such a thorny path barefoot that I feel I can take it no more. Or rather even if I can, it is not worth the pain. What I seek is peace of mind, not that which lies at the other end of the gate. My goal now is also restricted by time. If I can get to that destination now, it is worth it! If not, again doing the same thing here seems like a foolish task. It is like the Samurai who dreams on winning big battles for warlords, and sacrifices his family, friends and lot of things for that pursuit. And before he knows, his hair has become gray. I do not and cannot afford to be like that Samurai. I know what I am talking about is very vague, but I cannot say more on this topic. Only with time can I reveal what I meant.
Now this is the problem. When I meet some inquisitive friends, who out of concern or not try to probe deeper into what is going on in my life. Even for a simple "How's it going?" or "How's life", I am forced to give a vague and evasive answer. That is why I dread talking to people nowadays, more so to well acquainted ones. I cannot tell them what is happening in my life, and it is so difficult always to make up things.
Waiting for something to happen is such a painful thing. I sometimes feel I am clinging onto a rope at the end of a cliff, waiting for someone to pull me up. I try to be patient, but more often than not, worry creeps in. To avoid this, I tried going to some social gatherings a couple of times. And this is always a bad experience. The first thing I get from everyone is "My god! You have lost so much weight! What happened to you!" . And when I try to tell them in a few brief words that I was not well , all I get is "Take care of your health man! It's very tough here in the US", as though that helps! I know it first hand! And I did not get health problems by any reckless living! The ones who advise me are the ones who have loads of healthy habits like "Smoking" and drinking. So usually, whenever I meet someone after a long time, their first words will be about my skinny appearence. This reminds me of all the pain and suffering that I went through when I was ill. And then I end up becoming quiet. And then almost everyone I have met these past few days has complained that I do not talk much! Well what do you expect. Initially I thought I was usually quiet when there was a large crowd. But then, when I met a friend recently after a long time, and there were just the two of us, he asked me why I am so quiet? The surprising factor was I did not even realize that I was quiet until people pointed it out to me.
All I can say is, I am trying real hard to fight off my problems. I am in midst of a crisis and I want to take a major decision, which is not necessarily an easy one. During such circumstances I think it is natural for someone to be enveloped by thoughts about the problem in question and it is difficult to be "normal". However I feel it is just a short phase. I know that either way in a month or two it will all be over. I will leave this place for good and strangely I am looking forward to it. I know that a change of place can give me a chance to start life anew. And the fact that I know I will be leaving this place in a short while makes me very happy about it. I do not know why I am writing all this! But sometimes I feel it helps, to just tell someone what I am thinking. And since maybe, since I find it so difficult to talk about all this to anyone, save my parents, perhaps the best way to get it off my chest is to write it down. After a long introspection on this topic, I came to the conclusion that there is no point in pondering about my appearance or what I do when I meet people. Those who know me well enough, always have understood me! Those who don't cannot! It is as simple as that!
Good Job ! Totally relate to this one !!
ReplyDeleteThanks Rao Lekha :)
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