I am sure we have all heard the tale of Narcissus who spent all his time lost in self-admiration, staring away at his reflection, leaving food and water. While this was an interesting tale, most of us might have felt it was far removed from reality. I too thought this way until I had a real-life encounter with a Narcissist. And my encounter spans many years. It entailed many years of being bullied, humiliated, body shamed and traumatic encounters that kept me awake at night. It recently reached the nadir, when I was finally bidding adieu to this monster.
While I struggled with the emotional turmoil of the experience, I felt I could give space to this turmoil, breath life into it, by expressing it in words and write about the dangers of working or living with a narcissist. When you see red flags mentioned here, you should try to move away from that relationship, else you should be willing to surrender your peace of mind.
It all started many years ago. I was on the lookout for a job. I got a call from a company that I felt was a good place to work. I cleared the virtual round and an in-person round. Things were looking hopeful. I was told the third round would be with an architect at the company. As I made my way into the room, I saw a person who reminded me of Skeletor from “He-Man and the Masters of the Universe”. Only many years later would I realise that this person was just as evil in his mind as his physical appearance. Any resemblance to Skeletor was in his face only. He otherwise looked physically emasculated. He was very thin and looked sickly. In the interview there was immense pressure from his side. He was anything but polite. I heard “How does this work? I want to know that?”. “Don’t you know something so simple?”. I eventually let go of my inhibitions, started thinking clearly and answered. Eventually, after the round he suddenly extended his hand and said “I am _____, and I am an architect!”. Eventually I got the job.
The man appeared to be many years my senior, although it was difficult to say for sure. As they say, God blesses different people with different gifts. As though to compensate for his Uriah Heapish appearance, he had a nice set of hair. Since I felt I was very young back then compared to him, I would put up with his eccentricities. What started as little taunts here and there started increasing in frequency. As I had a health condition, I started losing my hair really quickly. A lot of comments would be about my hair.
However, never once did it strike me that the person I was dealing with was a narcissist. Ironically the best way to identify one is to look at their obsession with themselves. I noticed this during a video conference. The man, instead of focusing on the video of others in the call, spent a lot of time looking at the video of himself. To add to this, I would see him adjust his hair every now and then. This behaviour appeared strange, but unfortunately it did not remind me of Narcissus’ story back then. This is how easy it is to identify one. They actually behave like Narcissus. Especially if they are looking at their reflection. Most of their time is spent admiring themselves. The not-so-good-looking narcissists, like the one I am talking about, probably convince themselves that they are the most handsome beings created by God. I am not sure what goes on in the minds of theirs.
However I do see certain common patterns
- A Sense of Superiority : They feel they are superior and entitled. They deserve praise and attention. They need to make someone feel inferior so they can feel superior.
- Lack of Empathy : While some may appear helpful, the intent behind their generosity is often intertwined with expectations of praise and self-aggrandisement.
- They may help (with conditions) : Their help is often laced with some expectations. If they do not receive what they expected, or if they are not flattered, they will feel they own the other person and can put him down to raise their self-worth.
Many years after leaving the initial company, the same person became my manager at another organisation. Here the person felt that since he may have had something to do with my getting the job (or he felt that way in his mind), he felt he could treat me like a doormat and walk all over me. I worked under this monster for close to two years. There was constant heckling and taunting. About my appearance. About my choice of clothes. About my age. All this to satiate his frail self-image. Just when I was beginning to feel that I could not continue any longer, I was fortunately moved to a different team. However the continuous 2 years of trauma, mental torture and physical exhaustion was enough to affect my health. I suffered for nearly 2 years. While I was in a different team, the narcissist made repeated attempts to come and tell me that he moved me to a different team because he was actually looking out for my best interest. The moment I said yes, what you did was correct, his ego was inflated again and he went back to his evil ways.
For health reasons, I decided to leave that organisation and I resigned from there. I went and told this monster as well about my decision. I was happy that I had a new future ahead of me. I spoke to him about my hobby of riding bikes and that I ride a F900 GSA which weighs 245 Kilograms. This was all probably too much for the narcissist to take in. I could see a rat-like expression on his face as I happily narrated about the good things in my life and that I am looking forward to a new chapter in my career.
Just 2 days before I was leaving the organisation, I saw the narcissist sitting near my desk. He was seated there looking in my direction. I felt compelled to speak to him, went up to him and said “I have never seen you sitting here? What happened?”. He curtly replied “Out!”. I was a little taken aback. There were 2 people sitting next to him. They were laughing awkwardly, assuming Skeletor was joking. “Get out!”, he said again! He was audible to many folks sitting nearby. And people were noticing why he was being so rude. I still assumed he was joking and said jocularly “Is it because I am leaving the organisation, that you are asking me to leave? Is it something confidential you are doing?” . To which he screamed “I know what you are doing while leaving! You marked most of the tickets as ‘Won’t fix’”. I could see a colleague standing some distance away. The colleague heard the remark. Later while I thought about it, many of the tickers were in narcissist’s name. I had closed them as they were quite old. I closed many others as I felt they were not a priority at the given moment when a transition was happening. I had spoken to my current manager and the colleague to whom I was giving the handover as to why I was closing certain tickets as I felt they were no longer valid or important.
However, the damage was done. People around noticed the narcissist’s remark. They probably thought I was bad. It was extremely humiliating, to the point that I was having trouble sleeping. Being of a sensitive nature, I found the unprofessional behaviour extremely hurtful and made me feel helpless. Because narcissist felt he was in a position of power, he could abuse me. And he is almost certain that given I have a gentle disposition I wouldn’t retaliate.
One night after the incident, I couldn’t sleep and while lying in bed, I typed away an email detailing all the trauma and abuse I went through from the Narcissist to the HR. However after sending it, my nature as an Empath took over and I started thinking what if the company decides to punish him brutally by getting rid of him over this unprofessional behaviour. I decided to recall the email immediately. However , the process of writing the email somehow helped bring it to a closure, or so I thought.
However I kept thinking why I should suffer at the hands of such evil monsters. I felt that, being puny, he was probably bullied a lot at School. He therefore takes perverse pleasure in bullying others. I should have seen the writing on the wall a long time ago! I should not have joined the organisation thinking that I would be amongst friends. It was like Jesus having his supper with Judas.
To whoever is reading this, beware! Working with a narcissist isn’t easy. Either you put them in their place and face the consequences, or you ignore them. The latter can be very bad. It may bring the onset of diseases in the body due to all the repressed humiliation, trauma etc. The easiest way to spot a narcissist is to see what they do when they look at their reflection. A wolf may be in a sheep’s clothing, but he will unfailingly howl at the moon!
